Sean C. Capparuccia
Feb. 14, 2022
Originally preached at Pineland Presbyterian Church, Jacksonville, NC (2016)
Ephesians 5:21-[22-33]-6:3 (Gen. 2:22-24); Col. 3:18-20; I Pet. 3
Happy Valentine’s Day! This is the day of pink and red, of roses and chocolates, of cards and sweet-nothings, of romance, of boy and girl. The day when young men rekindle their wife’s affections and when many older men suffer the scorn of ‘forgetting.’ But who was St. Valentine? Before getting into the text this morning I’d like to share a little about Valentine and the significance of this day.
Valentine was a 3rd century priest in Rome which was at that time under the reign of Claudius. Now Emperor Claudius Aurelius had wars to fight and he found that the morale of his fighting men was low because their willingness to die for Rome was lessened by their desire to stay home with their wives and families. So, Claudius banned marriage. His soldiers would be forced to remain single. Of course forcing celibacy and forbidding marriage runs counter to Scripture and the Church so Valentine began secretly marrying couples. When he was caught, he was imprisoned, tortured, and finally beheaded on February 14, 269. Legend has it that just before his death he wrote a note to the daughter of a brother in the Lord and signed it, “your Valentine” from which we get our tradition of sending ‘Valentines’. He has ever since been the patron saint of love and romance.
Let us turn then to the Word of God, to Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, chapter 5 beginning in verse 22. Here then is a short manual on the most important element in the Church – the relationship between a husband and a wife. And it begins with what is one of the most misunderstood and abused verses of Scripture:
5:22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.
“The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God will stand forever” (Is 40:8)
Marriage – the union between a man and a woman – is the most basic and fundamental institution in the world. From the beginning it has been God’s plan for His creation to have this very institution as the basis upon which all else is built. In Genesis 2:22 we are told that “the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man.” This literally reads, “The Lord God built a woman out of the rib” (Gen. 2:22.) From the dust He fashioned a man; from the man He built a woman; from the two He built a family, and from a family society was built. A man, by himself, could do nothing but name the animals and apparently even that became tedious. And so Adam went to sleep and when he awoke he saw the most beautiful thing God had yet created: his wife!
I titled this sermon “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” because we are living in an age, in a society, that is not just asking, but shouting that very question. This song from the mid-80’s by Tina Turner seems to accurately echo the popular sentiment. Hear these sad words:
You must understand, though the touch of your hand makes my pulse react,
that it’s only the thrill of a boy meeting girl, opposites attract.
It’s physical, only logical, you must try to ignore that it means more than that.
What’s love got to do, got to do with it? What’s love but a 2ndhand emotion?
What’s love go to do, got to do with it? What’s love but a sweet old-fashioned notion?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
It may seem to that I’m acting confused when you’re close to me
if I tend to look dazed I’ve read it someplace, I’ve got cause to be.
There’s a name for it, there’s a phrase that fits, but whatever the reason – you do it for me
I’ve been taking on a new direction but I have to say I’ve been thinking about my own protection.
It scares me to feel this way.
“What’s love got to do with it? What’s love but a sweet old-fashioned notion?” Who can possibly argue that we live in a sex-driven culture? Nearly every movie, every TV show, every magazine on the shelves at your local grocery store is laced with sex. Yet in our sex-crazed culture we must not forget that people – all people – are still made in the image of God and that all people are what we call “incurably” religious. (Mind you I did not say that all people are children of God, that’s one of my pet-peeves, but all are creations of God and all people are made in His image.) We are created to be a soul with a body. Sex is not a substitute for love but I think that most of the current and past several generations have come to believe that it is. And as believers in Christ we can agree that there is, in fact, a normative pattern for relationships. The big question I have is this: Can the body of Christ stand against the culture and maintain its faithfulness to the Word of God as it pertains to this most fundamental relationship, marriage?
Marriage
So as many of you know, marriage is a beautiful thing. Paul quotes a verse from Genesis, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” To all the married couples in here do I need to reiterate to you how wonderful that is? “The two… becoming one flesh.” But it is also a dangerous thing; a weapon, if wielded in the wrong hands can cause much devastation. Paul quoted this verse again in his first letter to the Corinthians when he said, “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh” (6:16). And there is the rub, Church: Scripture does not say that we only become one flesh with our spouse, it says quite plainly that we become one flesh with all with whom we give our bodies. If Tina Turner’s question was “what’s love got to do with simply becoming ‘one flesh’ with someone” the answer would be – nothing.
But the verse in Genesis does not limit this relationship to simply becoming one flesh; it says that the man will be “united” or will “cleave” to his wife. The Hebrew word is dabaq and means “cling to, or stick to.” Unlike l’basar echad – “one flesh” – dabaq does not involve a sexual union but close relationship. This is the heart of marriage: the cleaving, the clinging, the sticking to, and adhering to the roles God has ordained. The sexual union is the seal; the icing.
I say all this because we need to understand that there is a Biblical plan for marriage and everything else is counterfeit. God has a plan and a reason and an S.O.P. for marriage and everything else is, well, not God’s plan. At the request of a pastor friend of mine several years ago whose church was going through the struggle of accepting homosexuality I wrote a paper on what the Bible says about homosexuality. I spent several weeks writing that paper and wrote 30 or more pages on the subject trying to cover it from every angle. Then, quite recently, I came across a book by Rev. John Stott, and Anglican theologian, on the subject. He said that, yes, there are these many passages that speak of homosexuality in the Scriptures that can be explained away, but the only definitive one is this:
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27),
and…
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).
As Reformed believers we stand in a long tradition of those who stand against theological error; those who see the whole counsel of God. In that vein let me add, homosexuality is not the opposite of heterosexuality. That argument is a losing battle. But God’s Word tells us that any sexuality apart from that sexuality which fits beautifully and only within the context of a God-honoring marriage is the opposite of His will. And I bring this up because 1) it is a serious issue facing the Church of Christ, and 2) because sometimes in order to better see what marriage is, it behooves us to see what it isn’t.
Wives be Subject
Going back to the text, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.” Now, there are a lot of men out there who somehow manage to read this verse as though it is a single, all encompassing thought. Like when we tell our children, “Because I’m the parent, that’s why!” Some people think this is Scriptural license to say, “Because I’m the husband, that’s why!”[1] Your wife is not your child, she’s your partner! It has been said that
Eve was not taken from Adam’s head to rule over him; nor was she taken from his foot to be trampled by him; but she was taken from his rib to be alongside him.
It is also significant that God did not grab another lump of clay to make Eve thus creating a separate species or entity; but she was taken from Adam so that there would be no mistaking that they are both part of the whole, dependent upon one another, and that their earthly completeness can only be found in each other.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27).
So what does it mean to “be subject to”? Let me say it does not mean, “Wives obey your husbands,” and even the word “submit” can be taken the wrong way but different translations use different words. The Greek wording literally means, “Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” First of all, then, we must recognize that it is a voluntary submission; it is a submission that is done out of reverence for the Lord. Second, and I hope every woman hears this, it says “be subject to your own husband.” This is no way reads, “women are subject to men.” And the context here is marriage: not work, not church, not politics.
And why should she be subject to her husband? Because he “is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior.”
C.S. Lewis writes,
“Christian writers have sometimes spoken of the husband’s headship with a complacency to make the blood run cold. We must go back to our Bibles. The husband is the head of the wife just [in] so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church.”[2]
There is an equal expectation given to both parties here. The wife is to respectfully subject herself and take a hierarchically lesser role to her husband who will love her as Christ loves His church. And what is Christ to the church? We know what John 3:16 says, now listen to I John 3:16, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.” He is the Church’s Savior in that He laid down His life for her. When the text says that the husband is the head of the wife and she is to be subject to his headship, it is not a matter of who is subject to whom, it is a statement of roles.
Role Confusion & Order
The Corinthian church had a serious problem with roles because they lived in the shadow of a major temple to a goddess which was filled with both male and female prostitutes. Men looked like women; women looked like men, lots of confusion in Corinth. So Paul told them, “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (I Cor. 11:3). In other words, there is an order here. An institution without a head welcomes chaos. Imagine a battalion without a commander to lead; or a corporation without a CEO; or a nation without a president (well maybe at this point in time we might like to try that one).
So when the Scriptures say, “Wives, subject yourselves to your husband, as to the Lord,” it is supposed to be a breath of fresh air. It’s kind of like God saying, “Daughter of Eve, don’t worry about it. I’m placing the responsibility on his shoulders. You just relax.”
Now I don’t know what you ladies are thinking right but I can imagine. Hold that thought…
Allow me to continue the quote from C. S. Lewis,
“The husband is the head of the wife just [in] so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church. He is to love her as Christ loved the Church – read on – and gave his life for her. This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should wish to be, but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is – in her own mere nature – least lovable.”[3]
“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Notice the text does not say, as in response to the comment to the wife, “Husbands, rule your wife”; “husbands, subject your wife”; “husbands, enslave your wife….” No, the wife is to voluntarily subject her own self to her husband who… who what?… loves her as Christ loved the Church.
There’s a lot of trouble in marriages and I’m guessing there really always has been. I will tell you that when my wife, Lara, and I were first married, we had a lot of problems. Do you know why? Two reasons: she would not subject herself to a husband who did not love her the way Christ loved His church; and I would not love a wife with such a Christ-like love who did not subject herself to me like she was supposed to. Do you follow? It was a catch-22. One or the other of us (or both even) had to make a change or we were going to corkscrew ourselves straight into Hades, or at least out of a marriage.
Husbands
Husbands, how did Christ love His Church? First of all, He laid down His life for her, He gave himself up for her. Do you think Jesus walked around all the time with a death-wish? Do you think He was chomping at the bit to get killed? He prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). “Father, I don’t want to die, especially not by hanging on a cross. But I will, Father, for my people, if You want me to. For the elect I will taste death so they won’t have to.” Men, you want a wife who respects you and subjects herself to you but you won’t give her a husband who will sacrifice his will to serve the greater purpose – the betterment of his wife and family.
Again, how did Christ love His Church? V.26 “He sanctified Her, cleansed her with the washing of water with the word.” Now we don’t have the power to make our wives, or our husbands for that matter, holy nor can we cleanse each other in baptism with the word – those are acts of God through Christ and in the power of the Holy Spirit. But, in light of our baptism, we continue to help each other stay holy. Husbands, do you pray for your wife? Do you encourage her to pray? Do you go to God’s Word together regularly? Do you talk about Godly things? Do you take her to church?
I knew a couple where the wife wanted to go to church but her husband was tired of church. And although he claimed to be a follower of Christ he forbade his wife to go to church and she, because she felt that she must “be subject to him in all things”, didn’t go even though she knew it was wrong. Friend, that is not a man who loves His wife as Christ loved His Church. That is a man whose own faith began to waiver and he was willing to bring his bride down with him. And let me say, and every case is different, isn’t it – she should’ve gone to Church anyway and lifted him up in prayer before the whole assembly, come what may.
So you see, it’s not a matter of authority over, it’s a matter of responsibility for. And you should love your wife as an extension of your own body.[4] It is the duty of the husband to provide for the welfare of his wife to the best of his ability and to care for her spiritually. I know you’ve had Brother Preston here for awhile and let me tell you, my family and I sat under his teaching for a good long time. I’ve got a nice notebook filled with his sermons and I know this: Preston can preach about Judgment Day. Now maybe he kept it a little reserved for the Presbyterians, but when he’s in a Baptist pulpit there is no escape. And we are all going to see the Just One on Judgment Day and give an account for our lives. And husbands, part of that account will be what your wife’s spiritual condition is in so far as you had anything to do with it. Ladies, you will give an account as to how well you helped your husband in the work the Lord gave you both to do.
Vows
“Marriage is not so much finding the right person as it is being the right person.”[5] Now every married man in here found the prettiest girl he could find and asked her to marry him, to spend the rest of her life with him. And for one reason or another she said, “Yes.” And many of you have been over the bumpy hills already and are doing okay now; some of you may still be bumping along; others may be wearing a nice church-face here this morning but there’s something else going on at home that is gnawing at your insides. Forget your spouse for just a moment: are you being the right person? Look again at the text, at verse 30. After telling us how husbands ought to love their wives, just as Christ does the church, Paul reminds us all of a most happy thought: “because we are members of His body.”
Oh we get so earth-bound sometimes, don’t we? The trials and tribulations of the day to day drudgery weigh on us. Fulton Sheen wrote, “The death of illusions is not the death of love. The great advantage of the vow is that it holds people together during this temporary stress and trial, in order to attain a more lasting love.”[6]
Remember your baptism. The kids need this; we got another bill for that. Remember your baptism. It’s one thing after another and not only that but now we have to listen to Hilary’s voice from now until November! Remember your baptism! In baptism, before the Lord our God, a vow was made- to live according to His Word and be holy and set apart from the things of this world. And a sign and a seal were placed upon you that confirmed the covenant. Are you a child of God? Are you a member of His body? You belong to Him. He will take care of you. And what’s even greater than that is that we, here together, are members of His glorious body and He will take care of us! When you leave here you go home with your husband or wife today as a couple redeemed by His blood and co-heirs of His Promise and not just that but co-workers in His glorious Kingdom. “We are members of His Body.”
Let’s look at the final verses. “‘A man will leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church” (v.31-32). What is the mystery Paul speaks of? The mystery of marriage and how it is a reflection of Christ and His Church. Indeed God ordained marriage to be a reflection of His relationship to His people. This is why divorce is unacceptable. When Jesus came, John the Baptist proclaimed, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (Jn 1:29). The sin he was talking about was the sin of unbelief; the one sin that would cause a person to spend eternity in hell. Jesus came so that people might believe. And for those who do believe, nothing can take them out of God’s hands. I pity the poor soul who believes his salvation is in a constant state of flux. God has a mighty strong grip, even more powerful than Satan’s! And so divorce is a big slap at the truth of the matter. God says, your marriage is a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the Church, and then we begin messing up that reflection with divorce, with unfaithfulness, with adultery, with pride, with sarcasm, with hateful words, with indifference. Do you see the problem? Instead, our marriages should reflect devotion, honor, truth, commitment, genuine concern, longsuffering – in essence, everything we vowed to do on our wedding day.
As we await His glorious coming let us not fail to see that our love for one another is but a reflection of Christ’s beautiful consummation. And if you leave here today remembering nothing else, at least ask yourself this: Does my love for my wife today reveal Christ’s love for His Church? Wives: Does my love for my husband today reveal the Church’s love for Christ?
To close, remember Valentine? Here was a man who stood for what was right in the face of an Emperor and a culture that was not right. As God’s people, the people of the Book, the Bride of Christ, we are asked to do no less. In the face of a culture that mocks a man who takes responsibility for the spiritual welfare of his family; who scorns a woman who willingly and trustingly submits to a Godly husband; who laughs at kids in a home where Jesus Christ is the Head – we are called to stand firm and trust in the Lord. No matter the cost. As Christ went to the cross to die for the sin of His bride, so we must be willing to lay our lives down for him in humble obedience. What’s love got do with it? Well, everything; without love, there is nothing.
[1] Scripture is not to be interpreted through the lens of culture; culture should always be interpreted through the lens of Scripture! And Scripture must be interpreted through the witness of Scripture.
[2] C. S. Lewis. The Four Loves, chapter 5, para. 26
[3] C. S. Lewis. The Four Loves, chapter 5, para. 26
[4] “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (I Cor. 7:4).
[5] Charles Shedd, quoted in Swindoll. Ultimate Book of Illust. and Qoutes
[6] Geo. J. Marlin, ed., The Quotable Fulton Sheen, 189.
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